They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
