Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
