Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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