checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I pour the whiskey from now on
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