The maid of honor just puked.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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