Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
kristin has been a bad kristin
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
