i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Rumble strips road head = magical
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
