Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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