fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
