I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
