her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
