The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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