Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
