If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
