If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
