The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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