He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
