so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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