there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
