Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
