by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
