I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
they're like a gay fantastic four
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize