I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
