The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
