We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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