capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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