the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
