Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
