i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
