help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
