He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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