Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
