I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
