I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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