If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
This house was built for laser tag.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
