I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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