her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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