Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
why do cheetos always look like penises
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
