i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
