you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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