Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
