My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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