Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
