I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
