remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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