he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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