Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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