I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
