You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
