And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
