so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
