You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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