I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
