Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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