My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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