Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
