i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
