You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
