were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
