doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize