apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
