I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
