I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
