why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
