Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
