dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
