Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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